“The mathematical probability of a common cat doing exactly as it pleases is the one scientific absolute in the world” – Lynn M. Osband

Evil geniuses

Commander Cat, recruiting future members...

Yesterday, I was introduced to the world’s most evil website. From first appearance you may think it is a harmless, fun little site that’s only purpose is to brighten up the days of all those who stumble across it.

But be warned: it has a more sinister plan. It’s designed to lead you to your gruesome and untimely demise via horrific and torturous means.

I found myself thinking that, actually, I would pretty much forgive a person anything were they to be part of this fiendish master plan.

And the name of this new incarnation of Satan?

Cute boys with cats. (WARNING: May contain cute boys. Holding cats.)

It’s pretty self-explanatory, really, isn’t it? Pictures of boys who, depending on the submitter, can be termed cute, holding cats.

You’d think so, wouldn’t you? You’d think you would take one look, think ‘cute’ and go about your daily business.

But no.

Two hours later and I’m still clicking the ‘next’ button like some crack-addict waiting for a callback to the Jerry Springer show to talk about my inappropriate behaviour with my cousin’s sister’s brother’s mom. Or something.

It’s the kind of website that distracts you so much you miss your train stop, on the last train of the night, and end up at the End Of The Line – which is always the most lethal part of the city no matter where you live – where an army of zombie robot warriors are waiting for you to step off so they can rip out your brains and use your limbs as the structure of their new evil lair.

But you don’t notice, oh no, because you’re still looking at that really cute guy whose shirt has ridden up where the adorable little kitty has decided to sleep – and you would look away, but the next picture has the hottest man in the world holding a tiiiiiiiiiiny little kitten in one hand and srsly, omg, how fucking cute is that?!

…see how dangerous it is?

Although, I suppose, at least you’d die happy.

Unless it wasn’t the last thing you saw; depending on how quick your death ambush was and from what angle, the last thing you see could technically be a maggot-infested cyborg face.

And I’m not sure there’s a big market out there for “Possibly-former-cute boys (but we can’t really tell) with maggots.”


About Stackee

All you need is love. Well, that, and ice cream, beaches, Sci-Fi and pi(e). Perhaps water too.
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